breastfeeding

i am worried. worried that i may not reach the 6th month to breastfeed baby gail exclusively. i am worried that i may not produce enough milk; 1) because i think i have too many things to do that i get tired by early evening, 2) because i am about to give up. that's sad isnt it, giving up? well, there are so many things that i have to do that i can't because i 'need to breastfeed'. my quality time with my husband and first daughter is also at stake. plus i am worried about earning on the side too. i honestly want to complete the 6 months. Lord, pls help me. also, i am confused because i research a bit on what to eat and what not to eat when breastfeeding. some says, one can eat anything. some says, you can't eat some food just yet. hay... what to do, what to do...

oh my...! am i having post partum? or just being a worry wart again? or having trouble managing my time?

happy 1 month Baby Gail!

it's been exactly a month ago when i gave birth to my second daughter, Robin Gail Reyes Banta. let me share that one-for-the-books story on how it happened....

we got home from a fun dinner with relatives at dampa in MOA around 12:30mn. me and raya washed up & dressed up, i checked my mails, chatted with my cousin mariska for a while and we went to bed around 1:30am. as usual, i wasn't comfortable in my sleeping position. i took this as normal because i'm on my 9th month and so no position is really ok for me. i was 'half-conscious' lying down. i'm just waiting. then at 2:30am, i felt a sudden gush. i wasn't sure if it was my water bag. what i knew was that if water bag breaks, water will just continuously go out. mine wasn't. they say that every pregnancy is different. so to be sure, i went to the bathroom. when i sat, water came pouring out. so that's how i knew "it is time".

and so i went to the room, prepared some stuff and woke up gelio. that was 2:45am. i took a shower then dressed up and called my mom to go to my house so she can sleep with raya. i was in pain. contractions came in quick intervals. it was different from before. i knew i was more than 1cm dilated. [i had my check up 3 days before & OB said, i was 1cm dialted]. i was holding on to the wall, the door. i can't breathe properly. i can't seem to hold the pain. i was shivering and i'm not sure if its because of the pain or because i was cold.

thank God gelio was there to drive me to the hospital. thank God it was early in the morning and so no traffic. thank God gelio drove fast (he even ran on red light!). thank God gelio insisted that i go through ER instead of walking myself up to the 5th floor, pre labor room. during that painful drive going to the hospital, i managed to text my OB, pedia & 3 BFF (anj, gra & noemi) informing them that i was on my way to the hospital.

when i got to ER, they sat me on a wheelchair. the nurse asked me who my OB was and seeing me shaking, asked me no further questions. so another nurse wheeled me to the 5th floor, constantly assuring me that its going to be ok and to just breathe. it was like in the movies. the elevator was taking so long! or i was just impatient :)

and so i got to pre-labor room. the doctor asked me to change into a lab gown and take a urine sample. it took so long for me to do it cos the pain is really intense. then she was about to let me sign some docs when she saw me shaking from pain. so she let me lie down and immediately called the resident OB. i can feel every contraction thats about to come. the OB was quick to come and did an IE. i said i don't want and i want the meds a.s.a.p but she said she needed to perform an IE. from then on, she did not removed her fingers. this time i was crying, holding tighlty to the other doctor (& pillow & bedsheet) and punching the wall. i kept on begging for the pain reliever. pain was truly unbearable! i heard my trying-to-be-calm husband enter the room & asked the doctor "whats happening? whats happening?!". at that time i got scared a bit cos people around me seem to be in a panic and was moving fast. i was also worried that my loving husband gelio will panic. i need him to be cool & collected for me. i also dont want him to worry too much. i knew that something is really happening. then the resident OB answered gelio and said: "sir, the baby is about to come out. i already can feel the head and i can't remove my hand from her because if i do, the baby will come out. she still has no pain reliever and wala pa po yung OB nya. we are now bringing her to the delivery room. on the way na rin po yung OB nya".

in the deliver room. it all went so fast and slow :) well, it was a full force team. lots of doctors and cute nurses, working so quickly on the equipments, moving me to the operating table, preparing the gadgets, etc. i was praying to all saints. praying hail mary's and our father's while holding on to the nurses. they were nice cos it was ok for them when i held them (or their uniforms) ever so tightly. even giving comforting words. even in great pain, i was conscious that the cute nurses/doctors saw me naked! haha! i was relieved when they say that i should not move cos they were about to put the anesthesia already. i prayed that God will give me the strength not to move even for 1 minute. and then the pain was gone. i saw my OB come in. worked. then with 1 push, Robin Gail was out! the nurse said: mommy, yun na yun. i said: "P.I.,! tapos na? yun na yun?!!!" then Robin Gail cried so loud, and i was ok. :)

wishing & hoping

i wish that i could earn as much (or even more) as i used to when i was still employed. do i sound so materialistic? don't get me wrong. i know a lot would want to be in the position where i am right now--being a full time mom & housewife--and there's no regret having made that decision. i really just want to help out my husband with the finances around the house. we have bills & debts to pay. most of his salary & my not-so-big earnings go to paying it all off. i just wish that there's money left for us to enjoy it even more. like perhaps, short trips on a 3-day weekend or buying nice present for each other and for the kids or even helping out our family, hiring an extra help in the house, etc. things like that. things that will make us enjoy what we worked hard for. things that will make us forget for a while about payables. things that will help our lives a bit more comfortable.

well, just wishing and hoping. its free anyway :)

DON'T stop

its been so long since I last posted a note here. being pregnant and lazy is not an excuse. nor having recently given birth either. i'm sorry :( it's just that, writing is so new to me. i've had a diary when i was young, but i never seem to carry it on as i grew up. one more thing, expressing my thoughts and feelings in writing is somewhat "revealing". somehow, i'd like to keep some things for myself. anyway, i'll try ok. besides, i saw this saying on tv by Confucius that i'd like to share and remember all the time. it goes: "It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't stop". Nice isn't it? when i saw it, it hit me. its so right for me. i'm old and yet, i feel i haven't reach my destination yet. i don't know yet my path. i still have a lot to learn, to discover, a long long way to go. sometimes, it is just frustrating. not from trying, but for not knowing. what do i do? i pray. and try to go on and walk this journey. and Confucius' saying inspires me more not to stop :)

moving on

2010 is here. another year has passed and time to move on. yes, move on. to learn, to grow, to be wiser and be stronger. 2009 has been a challenge for us, my faimly and of course the philippines. it was tough all right. but i don't regret ever encountering all those challenges. because amidst all those tough roads, God has also provided some smooth rides. as for my family, we were blessed with another baby on the way, the trip to paris, southampton & london, good health, my husband's new task at work, we were spared from the natural calamity that has passed the country and so much much more. simple things that when add up, are truly great things. we've also had some financial struggles. actually, we are still having a struggle in that matter. but with what God has shown us, i know He wills ee us through. i believe we are still blessed. we still have our family, our good health, our friends, our work and we are still able to eat at least 3x a day. the challenges have made me realize a lof of things and i am bringing it with me this 2010 and hopefully forever. for one thing, re gift giving, its not really the size or the amount that matters, its really about thinking of what the person really likes for him/her to fully appreciate it. and it warms my heart to see them happy upon receiving the gift. another thing is living simply. i thought we were living a simple life already. but i believed we still could live much simpler and it doesn't make us less happy. in fact, it made us stronger. as husband and wife, we become united in making tough decisions, we communicate, we find comfort in each other. we help each other. i guess you could say its different from the movies wherein the challenges, especially the financial struggles, break the relationships. im happy to say thats not the way it is between me and my very patient husband. maybe the movies are just movies. haha. it is really a matter of perspective. i dont want these challenges to bring me down. i want to use it to my advantae. to bring out the creativity and the best in me. if this is the way that God wants us to become better persons, to prepare us for more challenges ahead, or to help stay grounded, then so be it. i welcome it. anyway, it is through Him that i am still here standing, ready to face anything and hoping for the best.

change is good

being pregnant has its perks too, i realized. aside from being spoiled by the people around you, there's one thing i realized. well, at least for me. and i think that's good. since i dont want to be stressed about anything, i realized i could be patient especially that patience is really not one of my fine qualities :) i could also be objective. hehe. since it brought out the positivesness in me, i would want to keep those qualities--patience & being objective-- for a long time. hope i can keep it. so i guess change is good.

moments

i just want to share... last night i was so tired and weak. i was just resting on the bed and ii told raya, my first daughter, that i am so tired and that i needed a massage. so she stopped playing, went to me and rub my back. awwwww, isnt it that so sweet? sweet act. it also gives us pride that we as parents are instilling something good in her. :)