it's weird that i get to see the ultrasound of my second pregnancy exactly a year ago today. i reached for my Bible to do my devotion reading and there it was, the copy of the ultrasound. i was 6 weeks pregnant then. i was due for ultrasoudn that week. but i woke up on july 22 bleeding. at first i thought it was normal. it was just minimal bleeding. i called up my ob friend, wyeena, and told her of my situation. she asked me to see my OB right away. i said she already texted and asked me to rest and take dupahston ( a medicine to prevent lsoing the baby). i dont want to go to the hosp. so she asked me to bring my daughter raya to my mom's house so i could just lie down and rest. i did as i waS told. while resting infront of the comp, i happen to see my good friend mamai who's also a doctor based in the US. i told her also my situation. and i told its normal. she said its not. she asked me if i was having cramps. i was at first wondering what cramps means cos everthything is happening so fast. and then its slowing coming down on me. yes, i was bleeding. i was having cramps. and i know deep down it is not normal and that i had to rush to the hosp soon. i started crying. was in denial. mai told me to go now na. i begged that i'll just rest and go tomorrow. cos it will be ok tom. she forced me. and so i called up another good friend grahab. i just wanted an assurance. comfort. so i went to medical city with my mom. husband was to follow since he was already in the office. there, on july 22, at 11:57am, i saw the heartbeat. but something was wrong. i could feel it. the one taking the ultrasound just said that the heartbeat was too slow and that the position of the baby was too low. my cervix is open too. its as if the baby wants to come out. i was shocked. still in denial. i was hopeful. i was then confined. i kept on praying and hoping. part of me was really guilty. when i first found out i was pregnant, i didnt really take it nicely. tho i knew it is a blessing, i still feel that we weren't ready. mostly, financially. i just resigned from work then and the only source of income was from my husband's work. and we have bills to pay. that night, i prayed and asked for forgiveness. that night was the worst. all the doctors and OB kept on checking for my bloody discharge. checking if there's a big blood clot that will come out. the OB called me and kinda confirmed that "we are just waiting for the baby to pass". hmmm... i cried and cried. i dont know what to pray. if i pray for the baby to be saved, she/he might have a hard time in the end. if i pray for God to take him/her, its like im giving up. anyway, i prayed with my husband and he assured me that it was not our fault. the next day, the second ultrasound, we didn't see the heartbeat anymore. we didn't even see the baby. so she/he really 'passed'.
i prayed for forgiveness and acceptance. i kept on thinking positive thoughts. it was explained to me that the baby "is not compatible to life". though i questioned why the heartbeat, i guess, we can't really question God. through this experience, i learned that everything happen for a reason. i learned that life is truly a gift. having a child is a miracle. we have to embrace it no matter what situation we are in.
right now, we are pregnant again. all signs are ok. we are still praying and trusting Him more. we still have bills to pay, our first child is growing up fast, still 1 stable source of income, and yet, we remain hopeful. for He always provide. He never left us. He is always there. We also gained an angel above watching over us. :)
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